Memorial Day

Memorial Day has come and past this year, however I feel somewhat out of sorts into how I am not able to really celebrate it anymore or have reverance for it. As a Nation this day is set forth to remember the fallen men & women who have died for this Country we live in.


Memorial Day is not what it use to be. My Mother would take all of us children up to the Cemetary about our home in Provo ( East Lawn Memorial )this cemetary is a bit magical with it sitting on a hill looking the valley below. I have always loved this place for the peace and serenity I always felt there, I always seem to feel closer to the Lord when I am in a Cemetery.


Our trips on Memorial Day started back when our neighbor Brother Backus died, which was many years ago. I can't even tell you what this man looked like, who he was. All I know that it was important for my Mom to visit his grave yearly and put a small token of flowers on the grave out of respect,love and kindness. Now many others who have passed through the veil fall onto my Mother's list.




To name a few:
My Sister Aimee
Grandpa Jack
Tommy Davis ( our neighbor who we grew up with, my childhood friend)
Brother Backus & his Wife (our neighbor across the street)
Brother Murray (our next door neighbor who did so much for our family)
The unknown baby buried in Provo Cemetery (a baby found, no one knows who she is)



These are the ones she always puts flowers on and a few more. However she visits many more while she is out. I have always had the privilage to go with her when we were still living in Utah.
We would walk the cemeterys and talk...
talk about our lives
talk about the people whos lives are now gone
talk of the love that was there
talk of the past lives of those we knew
talk & wonder what happened ....never to know in this life of course.


I miss those times with my Mother, just her and me.




I too have had loved ones pass
My dear sister Aimee
My grandparents ( on both sides)
My childhood friends that were near and dear to me
Friends children who have passed way
Friends who have passed by such sad circumstances
Friends who have passed due to accidents


Some of them would be:

Tommy Davis


Now this is a boy I grew up with, from the time we were little till we got old enough to move out of our house's. We use to play hopscotch, jump on the neighbor's trampoline, ride bikes, swing, play in his parents clubhouse when we were little. Now when we got older we drifted apart a little bit, but during High School we would talk, just talk and talk....about nothing really or everything. Life got busy and we went our separate ways.


I got married and he went on a mission. Years passed by and I would see him on and off again while at my parents home, then one day I ran into where he was working at in American Fork. He was working a graveyard shift at a gas station, we talked for about 2 hours before I realized it was almost 3 in the morning. This boy was great and I had always loved him (his birthday was in June just like mine and we would joke about him being the same age as me for only 2 weeks a year...ha.)


I had gotten the impression while driving to work one day that I needed to stop in and see him, time was running by fast and said I will tomorrow....well tomorrow was a bit late this young man who was such an amazing friend took his own life, which has lead to such amazing sorrow for his family.


I drove to his parents house the day after it happened (very late in the evening) and just sat there in my car crying, not just crying but sobbing as to why I didn't listen to the promptings I should of listened to. I couldn't even begin to comprehend what his family was going through or how they would even cope with such a loss. He is forever in my heart.....I am thankful my Mother remembers him for me too.


Aimee Tate (Bons)

My dear sister was taken way too early, but obviously the Lord thought she had learned everything she needed to in this earthly vessel that he took her at the age of 24 leaving 3 small children, one of which was going to face some of his biggest challenges as he too suffered from the horrible car accident that took her life.


I really hate not being able to visit her resting place.


A place of Solace for me
A place of Love & Understanding
A place of HOPE
A place of Beauty


When Aimee died I was very angry with the Lord for taking her. Taking a Mother who just had her 3rd child, but not only for that reason but also because he took such a righteous person. That's the thing though she was righteous in everything about her, so why wouldn't the Lord want her home to carry on the work he has in store for her...even if the lives of those down on earth were effected it's alright he KNEW we would HEAL the BEST WE COULD!


With being so far away I am not able to participate in such fond memories of showing respect to those who have passed. May God be with them and I thank my Mother for giving me such compassion when it comes to the dead.

Now & Later

Thursday, June 3, 2010
Now & Later
I read your post and don't worry I bombed out big time too!


Not so much eating things I shouldn't....more like just not eating, which is my biggest downfall...


I am one of the biggest procrastinators there ever is & I don't understand why it runs through my veins. I procrastinate having to get up in the morning if I don't have to be to work early ( kids get themselves off to school), I procrastinate going to the gym ( always say TOMORROW, we all know there is NO tomorrow), I procrastinate doing the laundry, cleaning ( I get tired of cleaning up after everyone....don't they have freaking arms too? ) I procrastinate feeling good about who I am.




I think this is going to be a slow process for me! I know people say take one day at a time, but I am not like that I want things NOW not Later ( haha just reminded me of Now & Laters candy) I am a person where I like things my way, now, but yet don't want to seem to do the hard work to get where I want.


Do any of you ever feel this way? I am or was doing Body For Life program and I did loose a few pounds, but ohhhhh no that's not good enough for me to stick with. Memorial Day came up which Sunday we had a nice huge bbq ( which was my free day) but after that I didn't go back. I did on Monday but Tuesday & Wednesday I just let it go. Not eating, drinking soda ( which I haven't had for 2 weeks), eating chips & donuts...and then taco bell for dinner. Oh me, oh my! What is wrong with me? Seriously I hate feeling fat and unhappy with myself, but then I have to ask myself this:


IS MY LIFE GOING TO CHANGE THAT MUCH BECAUSE I'M SKINNER?


AM I GOING TO HAVE NEW FAME & FRIENDS BECAUSE I'M THINNER?



IS MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MATE GOING TO CHANGE BECAUSE I LOST A FEW LBS?



ARE MY CHILDREN GOING TO LOVE ME MORE BECAUSE I CAN FIT INTO THOSE JEANS I HOLD ONTO, PRAYING TO GET INTO THEM?



All these things are questions that I know might sound dumb, but seriously if you think about it, will your life or mine for that matter change that much because there is less than me? I don't think so, maybe just the feelings within myself....if I ever get to the point that i have gotten rid of the extra poundage I will let you know!
I will still be the person who wants her way, who wants things done the way she would do them, or things done NOW not Later, or tell people how I see things whether or not I am correct or wrong, I will still be the person that my husband loves unconditionally, I will still be the person who wants to just scream at the top of my lungs when I am stressed and overwhelmed ( break down time.) I will still be me even if I haven't lost the weight I WANT ..... I still will be the person I am if I DO loose the weight I WANT!


I am so angry with myself for not sticking with my plan, but good thing we are allowed to make mistakes and work through them.....and that is for everything in life! I know as I write this, I think to myself well I will re-start my program on Monday....haha see how demented my thinking is? I still have Friday & Saturday to start but I like things anew which seems to always start on Sunday/Monday! I will stick to the food portion of the program though......but the exercising of it will just have to wait for Monday.....TOTAL SLACKER I AM, I WANT THINGS NOW BUT NOT WILLING TO PUT THE WORK......so Now & Later....guess it will be later!

Change?

Why does procrastination runneth through these veins of mine?




I put everything life changing on hold


Always saying "there is next week to start"


Or


"Monday is a good day to start, brand new week, fresh start!"




But that is just a big FAKE OUT!




I do well for a week or two then BOMB OUT big time! I give up, give in, push it to the side and don't fix the things I feel I need to. Is it just easier to give up?




DING! DING!


OF COURSE IT'S EASIER TO GIVE UP,ACTUALLY DOING THE WORK IS MUCH HARDER AND YOU HAVE TO BE MUCH MORE DRIVEN!


Good grief! I am more than frustrated with myself and my lack of will power, or lack of desire to change things... can't someone just do it for me? That would be so much easier wouldn't it?


Not really, I know. So much for wishful thinking!!!


It might sound I am depressed but I'm not just frustrated with my ability to stick to programs I say I am going to follow or more personal matters in my life.


I need to sit down and re-evaluate myself and where I want to be in 3 months time, do I want to contiune living the way I am, feeling the same way I am now, putting out the same emotions I am.....


OR


CHANGE THEM? Put out different emotions & feelings that are bursting to come out, and fix things in my life the way that the good Lord intended them to be.

Uniqueness

I am me, you are you and that is why we are so UNIQUE in this world!


Would you really want to be like me exactly or someone else? Not, me! I have too many quirks that I don't think I would want anyone else to have them....some NOT so Nice and others down right funny and that makes me, well ME!



Unique in the dictionary is stated as:


"Being the only one:Sole"
"Being without a like or equal:unequaled
"Unusual"



I like how that describes each and everyone of us!! We are unusual and there is only ONE of us. No one else shares exactly the stuff that makes us, well us. How cool is that to know that not one person has my ability of thinking, or the ability to express oneself exactly like me.


I may share traits with other people since there are millions living right now, I may share same ideas, thoughts, likes, words, dislikes, emotions....etc. But not one has the combination that I have! Are you getting my point?




I have struggled with many things in my life, some worse than other things.


Some have made me grow


Some came at me like I hit a brick wall HEAD ON! OUCH!


Some made me laugh


Some made me cry


Some hurt me inside


Some made me feel good


Some came at the perfect time


Some came at the worst time possible



But, you see this makes me!




I am the kind of girl who will tell you how she sees it


I am the kind of girl who has doubts & fears


I am the kind of girl who likes to just stay home


I am the kind of girl who enjoys going for a good walk


I am the kind of girl who loves flowers & planting


I am the kind of girl who laughs at people when I shouldn't





And that makes me ME!

I can't tell someone how to live their life, how to change who they are because they are UNIQUE to themselves and everyone else.


I think we should all embrace in being UNIQUE in who we are!


Whether we do or don't like the way we look


Whether we do or don't like the way we feel


Whether we do or don't have a smile on our face everyday


Whether we are or aren't kind to everyone


Whether we are or aren't in a relationship


Whether we had to give up things we loved or didn't love




WE SHOULD BE HAPPY WITH WHO WE ARE!
WE ARE UNIQUE INDIVIDUALS,
WE ARE NOT A GROUP
WE ARE INDIVIDUALS!


I AM THE KIND OF GIRL WHO IS NOT ONLY EXPERIENCING LIFE BUT LIVING LIFE!!