I am struggling to figure things out.
The tears come so quickly now, that it's pointless to wipe them away.
I feel a deep sadness as I watch you suffer silently in pain.....
My sweet daughter tried to take her own life these past week. To my complete horror I found her sitting in her own vomit & urine having hallucinations from the drug overdose that she was hoping was going to claim her life.
As a Mother I had no idea that she would do this. I have heard her say to her friends that her life just sucks and she want's to die but I never thought she would take action. We had gotten her into therapy and on anti depressants for a few months when she felt that there was no way she could endure her life anymore and sought a way to end it.
I have never experienced such sadness in my life. Yes, I have had some serious trials myself but to watch my child suffer inside and all by herself made this almost unbearable for me as well. I know her and I have issues, issues that run deep but I also know the issues she is having in an unhealthy relationship has damaged her and complicated things more than I could imagine.
I don't even know where to begin my thoughts...
I don't know where to turn for comfort of my soul and the sadness that is running deep within.....
I feel like I don't know anything anymore as my life is now upside down.....
I feel angry at times then complete sadness at others.....
I sit and just cry, wondering how we are going to heal as a family ......
I know I have to do what I can so she can be healthy & happy once again.....
I feel utter despair when I should be happy knowing that SHE IS ALIVE & I still have her....
I just don't even know anymore.....
Sunday, October 31, 2010
He'll Carry You, For My Daughter
For my daughter, Lindsey. The Lord will carry you Sweetheart through all your troubles and heartache. He loves you more than you will ever know. The Lord is a comfort to us when we don't know which way is up or down and no human words can help you heal.
My sweet daughter I am so sorry that you are in such great despair and experiencing such sadness in your life. There is nothing more sad than to watch your child suffer and feeling helpless as she makes her choices. I love you Lindsey and I pray for you to be able to heal through such a rough time and a time of sorrow and sadness.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness...
There is no actual reference in the scriptures that "cleanliness is next to godliness " but we have all spoken these famous words once or twice. I looked online to see where this statement actually came from, it was spoken by a man by the name of John Wesley who used those words in a sermon ( so I assume he was a preacher.)
I find that I rather enjoy cleaning my home. I need to be cleaning my soul instead, but the home is a start right?
When we went down to our beach pad a few weeks ago, our trusty vacuum down there decided to break a belt, well it actually had some help with our friend Dan as he was vacuuming the 1st night down and broke the belt. As these men like to think that they can buy anything at Wal-Mart this is not true with this belt which I tried to tell them ( we have the same vacuum at our home & I had to buy our belts at Sears, So I know ) but oh no they both thought that it would be easy to find a matching belt. When they were unable to do so the redneck men took dutch tape to the belt hoping it would hold, this was not to be, but NICE try boys.
We went to the local hardware store to see if they had any vacuums to buy....we did not see any. The next day Guy and Dan went back to the hardware store and sure enough had found one at the ripe old price of $75.00 dollars I do NOT think I have ever paid that much for such a thing. I also thought that we weren't going to get one so to my surprise I was really surprised and at that PRICE! Guy thought that we would bring the new vacuum home to our house and just bring some belts down the next time we head to the shore ( fine, why not I thought.)
Oh, would you like to see what a $75.00 dollar vacuum looks like? I know you really do, so I will oblige you.
This has made me very happy more than he will ever know, I love to clean and having an awesome vacuum is one of life's smallest and simplest pleasures. I don't know how clean I am, but I know I am getting there.
I find that I rather enjoy cleaning my home. I need to be cleaning my soul instead, but the home is a start right?
When we went down to our beach pad a few weeks ago, our trusty vacuum down there decided to break a belt, well it actually had some help with our friend Dan as he was vacuuming the 1st night down and broke the belt. As these men like to think that they can buy anything at Wal-Mart this is not true with this belt which I tried to tell them ( we have the same vacuum at our home & I had to buy our belts at Sears, So I know ) but oh no they both thought that it would be easy to find a matching belt. When they were unable to do so the redneck men took dutch tape to the belt hoping it would hold, this was not to be, but NICE try boys.
We went to the local hardware store to see if they had any vacuums to buy....we did not see any. The next day Guy and Dan went back to the hardware store and sure enough had found one at the ripe old price of $75.00 dollars I do NOT think I have ever paid that much for such a thing. I also thought that we weren't going to get one so to my surprise I was really surprised and at that PRICE! Guy thought that we would bring the new vacuum home to our house and just bring some belts down the next time we head to the shore ( fine, why not I thought.)
Oh, would you like to see what a $75.00 dollar vacuum looks like? I know you really do, so I will oblige you.
This is the Eureka Light Speed 12amp vacuum.
Worth $75.00
I
THINK
NOT
I did much cleaning with this vacuum for the past 2 weeks, it does work well I must admit, it is light and speedy.
HOWEVER, there is ONE major PROBLEM....
THERE
ARE
NO
REPLACEMENT BAGS
TO BE
FOUND!
- If you go to Wal-Mart thinking they have them, they DON'T.
- If you go to Sears ( because you looked online and they said they have them) well, they DON'T.
- If you think of going to the local Hardware Store for them, they DON'T.
- If you think calling the local Vacuum Store to see if they have them, well, they close at 5.
SO......................
It appears the ONLY place you can purchase these little gems are online. Are you KIDDING ME? I can't believe that. How does that help a person who would like to vacuum their home so it's shows the fakeness that this house is "next to godliness?"
All I wanted yesterday was to vacuum my home, nothing more and nothing less? Was that asking too much of what yesterday brought me? It must of been because this little vacuum brought much distress to my marriage over the bag that it needed so it could do it's job, it has one job ONLY and it couldn't even do that.
I argued with Guy over the matter that this was the most stupidest vacuum ever as well as the most stupidest thing that you can't buy a replacement bag anywhere in town. Oh, how the frustration and aggravation that came bursting out of me towards the man I love & I couldn't let it go for some reason.
ON & ON I WENT!!
Isn't it just silly that we would argue over a vacuum or more or less I would allow myself to stoop that low ( as low as the floor since that is what this machine is used for.)
My Dear Husband
left our home
without a
word
&
when he returned
he carried in
a
New Vacuum
Now, how could I possibly stay angry at a man that went above and beyond anything I had asked him. In fact I had come to terms that we would order the bags online and take the new vacuum back to the beach house as it had been intended anyways. I was also content with the fact that I would continue to use the old vacuum that I had been before we went to the beach.
I started to cry as I apologized for making such a huge stink about a silly little thing, I cupped his face ever so gently and kissed him, telling him " I am sorry " those words are the hardest words to ever form on my lips. Who likes telling others they are sorry for making a situation worse or making others feel bad? But, as I am trying to clean my soul this was the right thing to do.
The new vacuum is awesome and NOT just because it's purple my favorite color, but because it's got some power to it and it was bought with LOVE....
It's fantastic at picking little things up, it works well in the bunny cage, works great on the furniture (has a rolling brush for that,) and THE BEST PART IS THAT IT'S a CANISTER not a BAG!!!!
Such a lovely little gem! It even has a pet hair brush.
So, which one would you prefer?
I have to remember just how much my husband loves me. His words to me last night is that he was so sorry that he caused me so much stress and contention over this. He was unhappy seeing me unhappy and thought what could he do to make mama happy as he so endearing calls me.
This has made me very happy more than he will ever know, I love to clean and having an awesome vacuum is one of life's smallest and simplest pleasures. I don't know how clean I am, but I know I am getting there.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Daughter Of Mine
We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us,
and we love him. We will "stand as witnesses of God at all
times and in all things, and in all places..." as we strive
to live the Young Women Values, which are:
Faith
Divine Nature
Individual Worth
Knowledge
Choice and Accountability
Good Works
Integrity and
Virtue
We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values,
we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep
sacred covenants, receive ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.
I wish my daughter knew that there was a Heavenly Father that loves her and supports her more than she will ever know. I remember looking forward to Young Women and sharing the whole learning process with fellow girls.....from baking cookies for the elderly, playing water sports with the Young Men, doing crafts, service projects, working on Young Women projects etc.....
These are the things I grew up on the values, morals and knowledge of a HIGHER POWER. I have always know these things just simply wish the way the world is today that my own daughter would know this inside her heart. I wish this world wasn't so OUT THERE and EVERYTHING GOES!
I wasn't the perfect Young Woman, I made my share of mistakes, trials and errors.
However I can foresee my child going down a road that is only leading to sadness and despair in her life. I only want to make her life better and help show her the way, the problem is though she won't allow me to. I feel at my wits end with her at times and NO Mother should ever feel that way!
The other night she said a very harsh word to me calling me "freaking stupid" however let's replace that freaking with another word. I was so dumbfounded that she would even DARE speak to me that way. I told her I wanted an apology or her to write 1000 times she will not cuss and call names, so coming home from work today there was an apology note stating this:
" I am sorry, okay, I am really sorry and honestly it just came out what I said. You have your apology in writing and I will not cuss or name call anymore."
That shows me just how sincere she really isn't. I hope she will learn one day sooner than later that her ways are going to take her down the wrong road and it will have some harsh consequences.
This girl is simply beautiful!!
Her eyes shine with the light an amazing blue-green
Her kindness to her friends is one in a million
Her smile sparkles with pure happiness
Her laughter is inviting
I am in this through the thick and thin. I can't give in even when it is the easiest thing to do. I have to be strong for the sake of this little one, who is still that a "little girl" but is trying to find her own independence at the same time.
I love her
I gave birth to her
She is mine to help mold and show the way
She is a Daughter of our Heavenly Father
I want the best for her ( even if she thinks I don't )
I want her to be proud of who she is & the things she does in this life
I want her to know that her Heavenly Father loves her!!
and we love him. We will "stand as witnesses of God at all
times and in all things, and in all places..." as we strive
to live the Young Women Values, which are:
Faith
Divine Nature
Individual Worth
Knowledge
Choice and Accountability
Good Works
Integrity and
Virtue
We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values,
we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep
sacred covenants, receive ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.
I wish my daughter knew that there was a Heavenly Father that loves her and supports her more than she will ever know. I remember looking forward to Young Women and sharing the whole learning process with fellow girls.....from baking cookies for the elderly, playing water sports with the Young Men, doing crafts, service projects, working on Young Women projects etc.....
These are the things I grew up on the values, morals and knowledge of a HIGHER POWER. I have always know these things just simply wish the way the world is today that my own daughter would know this inside her heart. I wish this world wasn't so OUT THERE and EVERYTHING GOES!
I wasn't the perfect Young Woman, I made my share of mistakes, trials and errors.
However I can foresee my child going down a road that is only leading to sadness and despair in her life. I only want to make her life better and help show her the way, the problem is though she won't allow me to. I feel at my wits end with her at times and NO Mother should ever feel that way!
The other night she said a very harsh word to me calling me "freaking stupid" however let's replace that freaking with another word. I was so dumbfounded that she would even DARE speak to me that way. I told her I wanted an apology or her to write 1000 times she will not cuss and call names, so coming home from work today there was an apology note stating this:
" I am sorry, okay, I am really sorry and honestly it just came out what I said. You have your apology in writing and I will not cuss or name call anymore."
That shows me just how sincere she really isn't. I hope she will learn one day sooner than later that her ways are going to take her down the wrong road and it will have some harsh consequences.
This girl is simply beautiful!!
Her eyes shine with the light an amazing blue-green
Her kindness to her friends is one in a million
Her smile sparkles with pure happiness
Her laughter is inviting
I am in this through the thick and thin. I can't give in even when it is the easiest thing to do. I have to be strong for the sake of this little one, who is still that a "little girl" but is trying to find her own independence at the same time.
I love her
I gave birth to her
She is mine to help mold and show the way
She is a Daughter of our Heavenly Father
I want the best for her ( even if she thinks I don't )
I want her to be proud of who she is & the things she does in this life
I want her to know that her Heavenly Father loves her!!
Friday, July 16, 2010
The Opposite.
Because of my pity party below I must write a few things that I am inspired by, a few things I find comfort in, a few things I am grateful for & a few things that make me who I am inside.
Hot Showers~Sleeping In~Curling Up With A Great Book~Listening To Music~Singing To My Hearts Desire~Cleaning The Bathroom~Baking Yummy Treats~Watching The Sunset~Sitting Out Back On My Deck Enjoying The Night~Spending Time With The Husband~Fishing, A New Found Love~Crawling Back Into Bed After My Shower To Dry Off~Planting & Watering Flowers~Planting A Garden~Trying New Recipes~Time On The Beach~A Quiet Drive In The Mountains~Painting~Going Through Things~History~Watching My Children Try New Things~Spending Time With The Children~Texting~Reading Old Love Emails From My Husband~Playing The Piano~Babies~Hanging Out With Friends~Laughing~Rain~Snow~Flowers~Birds Chirping~Squirrels When They Aren't in my Tree~Turtles~Animals~Nature~Rock Formations~Talking With The Husband About Nothing!!!
These are some of the things I enjoy. Now I realize there is much more to life then the every day trivial things that we all put our energy into and our eyes on. While all these things are nice, these are also things that I couldn't enjoy if I wasn't who I am, wasn't the girl I grew up to be or the girl that has endured so much. I grew up in a rather abusive family, most people don't know that about me. The anger and sadness that was in my home was unbearable but that was my life. Being beaten, being tortured by siblings ( which now I love to death now, most of them haha,) being called fat my entire life by sisters who were smaller than me, being emotionally abused on a daily basis as well as physical until I was old enough to stand up for myself which was at the age of 16.
I was suicidal my teenage years and a lot stems from my family life, not feeling good about me inside and of course the way I looked. Suicide attempts 2 times in my life and if friends didn't help me I more than likely would not be writing this now, nor have the life that I do have.
I got married at a young age because I felt that it was the right thing as my parents threw me out of their house once they found out I was pregnant with my daughter Lindsey. I moved out of my parents house a few short weeks after Senior Graduation, I moved in with Lindsey's Father and eventually a few months later got married. Not knowing that my life would be hell on earth for so long.....much abuse, much physical, emotional, verbal abuse, hatred, lies, deception, feeling guilty for the life I was living because of the choices I made. I thought I was doing the right thing, I stayed married to a man who brought out so much anger inside of me, so much hatred towards myself but not being strong enough to leave till after there were 2 other children born & 15 years later.
The things I have experienced in my life are the things I have come to grips with that make me who I am and even though it may not be glamorous, may not be the "perfect LDS family or life," may not be everything I thought my life would be it's still MINE and I OWN THEM!
Not many people know anything about my life, how my life was.......hiding things, hiding the shame and embarrassment is what my life was about and acting out, as well as being vocal getting older is one way I have learned to cope with things.
But, the main thing that has gotten me through my trials in this life is the PURE KNOWLEDGE OF THE SAVIOR AND HIS LOVE FOR ME, even IF I FORGET IT!
So, some of the other things that are near and dear to my heart are:
The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints~ Being A Member Of The Church Prayer, Real Fervent Prayer~The Scriptures, & The Answers They Have Given Me~Great Leaders~ Great Members Of The Church~ Music, Oh The Love I have For Music & The Calmness It Gives Me~ Faith~Knowing I am Loved~Knowing That I Can Repent For My Errors~Knowing That My Sins Can Be Forgiven If Done Properly~Knowing That There Is A Life Beyond This Earthly Realm~Knowing That My Family Loves Me For Who I Am~Reading A Talk & Feeling The Spirit Touch Me~Crying When I Feel My Savior's Love For Me, Knowing That The Lord Does NOT Leave Me, But I leave him,~Having A Husband Sent From Above To Comfort Me, Love Me, Protect Me & My Tender Spirit~ Knowing I Am A Child Of God~The Ability For Me To Choose How I Live My Life~Knowing That God Knows My True Heart & Desires!
Oh the Love I know that my Heavenly Father has for me, if ONLY I would grasp it and hold on dear to it.
I struggle from time to time with this, is it my faith? Is it not strong enough?
I have been through some serious hard times in my life, things that I would not wish on anyone, but they have made me stronger for who I am and I know that without the Lord's help and relying on what I KNOW, I would of not been able to get through some of the tough things thrown and me and my children.
So, the thousand dollar question is why do I let these things go? Why am I good and work so hard to do what I know is RIGHT to let it all go away within such a short period of time? I need to do some real soul searching & find my inner strength yet once again. I am going to be o.k. if I do this and everything that I feel about myself will go away as well as the pity I have from time to time.
I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father, I have been reserved to come to this earth at this time when the world is evil and needs righteous women. I have been blessed with 3 amazing children who unfortunately I have let down by not teaching them the gospel from an early age but these children are the children who will fight the fight when the time comes. I am a woman full of knowledge of the Savior, a woman who was blessed to endure so many heart wrenching experiences and TRY to do what's right, I am a woman who has a very good heart but anger storms in fury as well. I am not evil, I am not of the devil, I am of the Creator a Creator that sees me for me in all my sadness and glory.
It's o.k. to be who I am, just need to fine tune a few things in this life and teach these young spirits I am entrusted with that I love them, the Lord loves them and there is more to this world than just living for the moment.
As I write this a dumb thing came to my mind....when we die will my body be skinny the way it use to be.....hahaha
It's just fine to be Jennifer Sheely. It's better than fine to be WHO I AM.....
That is a small inner look into what makes me, well,ME!
Hot Showers~Sleeping In~Curling Up With A Great Book~Listening To Music~Singing To My Hearts Desire~Cleaning The Bathroom~Baking Yummy Treats~Watching The Sunset~Sitting Out Back On My Deck Enjoying The Night~Spending Time With The Husband~Fishing, A New Found Love~Crawling Back Into Bed After My Shower To Dry Off~Planting & Watering Flowers~Planting A Garden~Trying New Recipes~Time On The Beach~A Quiet Drive In The Mountains~Painting~Going Through Things~History~Watching My Children Try New Things~Spending Time With The Children~Texting~Reading Old Love Emails From My Husband~Playing The Piano~Babies~Hanging Out With Friends~Laughing~Rain~Snow~Flowers~Birds Chirping~Squirrels When They Aren't in my Tree~Turtles~Animals~Nature~Rock Formations~Talking With The Husband About Nothing!!!
These are some of the things I enjoy. Now I realize there is much more to life then the every day trivial things that we all put our energy into and our eyes on. While all these things are nice, these are also things that I couldn't enjoy if I wasn't who I am, wasn't the girl I grew up to be or the girl that has endured so much. I grew up in a rather abusive family, most people don't know that about me. The anger and sadness that was in my home was unbearable but that was my life. Being beaten, being tortured by siblings ( which now I love to death now, most of them haha,) being called fat my entire life by sisters who were smaller than me, being emotionally abused on a daily basis as well as physical until I was old enough to stand up for myself which was at the age of 16.
I was suicidal my teenage years and a lot stems from my family life, not feeling good about me inside and of course the way I looked. Suicide attempts 2 times in my life and if friends didn't help me I more than likely would not be writing this now, nor have the life that I do have.
I got married at a young age because I felt that it was the right thing as my parents threw me out of their house once they found out I was pregnant with my daughter Lindsey. I moved out of my parents house a few short weeks after Senior Graduation, I moved in with Lindsey's Father and eventually a few months later got married. Not knowing that my life would be hell on earth for so long.....much abuse, much physical, emotional, verbal abuse, hatred, lies, deception, feeling guilty for the life I was living because of the choices I made. I thought I was doing the right thing, I stayed married to a man who brought out so much anger inside of me, so much hatred towards myself but not being strong enough to leave till after there were 2 other children born & 15 years later.
The things I have experienced in my life are the things I have come to grips with that make me who I am and even though it may not be glamorous, may not be the "perfect LDS family or life," may not be everything I thought my life would be it's still MINE and I OWN THEM!
Not many people know anything about my life, how my life was.......hiding things, hiding the shame and embarrassment is what my life was about and acting out, as well as being vocal getting older is one way I have learned to cope with things.
But, the main thing that has gotten me through my trials in this life is the PURE KNOWLEDGE OF THE SAVIOR AND HIS LOVE FOR ME, even IF I FORGET IT!
So, some of the other things that are near and dear to my heart are:
The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints~ Being A Member Of The Church Prayer, Real Fervent Prayer~The Scriptures, & The Answers They Have Given Me~Great Leaders~ Great Members Of The Church~ Music, Oh The Love I have For Music & The Calmness It Gives Me~ Faith~Knowing I am Loved~Knowing That I Can Repent For My Errors~Knowing That My Sins Can Be Forgiven If Done Properly~Knowing That There Is A Life Beyond This Earthly Realm~Knowing That My Family Loves Me For Who I Am~Reading A Talk & Feeling The Spirit Touch Me~Crying When I Feel My Savior's Love For Me, Knowing That The Lord Does NOT Leave Me, But I leave him,~Having A Husband Sent From Above To Comfort Me, Love Me, Protect Me & My Tender Spirit~ Knowing I Am A Child Of God~The Ability For Me To Choose How I Live My Life~Knowing That God Knows My True Heart & Desires!
Oh the Love I know that my Heavenly Father has for me, if ONLY I would grasp it and hold on dear to it.
I struggle from time to time with this, is it my faith? Is it not strong enough?
I have been through some serious hard times in my life, things that I would not wish on anyone, but they have made me stronger for who I am and I know that without the Lord's help and relying on what I KNOW, I would of not been able to get through some of the tough things thrown and me and my children.
So, the thousand dollar question is why do I let these things go? Why am I good and work so hard to do what I know is RIGHT to let it all go away within such a short period of time? I need to do some real soul searching & find my inner strength yet once again. I am going to be o.k. if I do this and everything that I feel about myself will go away as well as the pity I have from time to time.
I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father, I have been reserved to come to this earth at this time when the world is evil and needs righteous women. I have been blessed with 3 amazing children who unfortunately I have let down by not teaching them the gospel from an early age but these children are the children who will fight the fight when the time comes. I am a woman full of knowledge of the Savior, a woman who was blessed to endure so many heart wrenching experiences and TRY to do what's right, I am a woman who has a very good heart but anger storms in fury as well. I am not evil, I am not of the devil, I am of the Creator a Creator that sees me for me in all my sadness and glory.
It's o.k. to be who I am, just need to fine tune a few things in this life and teach these young spirits I am entrusted with that I love them, the Lord loves them and there is more to this world than just living for the moment.
As I write this a dumb thing came to my mind....when we die will my body be skinny the way it use to be.....hahaha
It's just fine to be Jennifer Sheely. It's better than fine to be WHO I AM.....
That is a small inner look into what makes me, well,ME!
Pity party!
When will this weight issue ever end?
Always doubting myself...
Comparing myself to others....
Thinking I should look one way due to the pressures of society.....
Not being content with who I am inside, hence the outside has a lot to do with it....
Never feeling COMPLETE.......
Always saying "oh, there's always tomorrow," when that tomorrow comes and goes....
Thinking being overweight ( fat ) and being ugly go hand in hand.....why is that ?
Never feeling that I have accomplished anything, because I give up or let LIFE get in the way...
Wishing I was someone else....
Wishing I had different genes & jeans.....
Wishing & wanting to feel sexy....
Wishing & wanting to not see something following me from behind when I look in the mirror....
Wishing that the actual person who is loosing the weight, is me.....
Wishing, Wishing, Wishing, Wishing!
Oh how is this possible to have such negative feelings about oneself? Always on the verge of frustration for feeling so helpless....BUT
Am I really that helpless?
No I am not BUT I feel I am and that's what is wrong with this issue! I am helpless to Change !!!!!
I am not one to try pills, occasionally I have bought into the Acai Berry pills that are suppose to work, but seriously I hate taking pills so how in the world am I going to remember taking 2 before breakfast, 2 before lunch & 2 before dinner.....Are you freaking SERIOUS?
Or how about the colon cleanse pills that are the new fad? Yeah, o.k. so that's suppose to make me pooh my fat out, that is so laughable it's funny. Yes, I do know some of those products do work & the ones that do are in the $100.00's of dollar range per month....And I do NOT have that kind of cash laying around to WASTE!!
I have my gym membership and I don't recall going to the gym in over a month, maybe a month and a 1/2.....shows how dedicated I am to that and am throwing an unused amount of $20 bucks away....I must like throwing money out the door....haha
I always wonder how people can get so overweight, I know there are several reasons, but what are they? O.k. so we as women have the famous Baby Fat but that baby is now almost 16 years old, can't use that excuse anymore can I? Haha
We have a thyroid problem, now that one I can't say anything about since I am not enduring that one.
We have the issue where we eat to get the comfort from OTHER ISSUES in our lives and aren't dealing with them with the right therapy.....so FOOD & BAD EATING HABITS BECOME US! BUT WHY? WHY & WHY?
Why as a society and as a woman do we put so much energy into hating our body & the way it looks? I want to run, just take off and run....but I Hate running, but my mind wants to do it. Why am I having this conflict with my mind and body? It does me no good, they are so not on the same page.
When I joined the gym I bought all these new workout clothes, shoes, socks, sport bras, pants, tops.....etc thinking this would help motivate me to get into the gym.....but I was so wrong they have now become great lounging around pants....HA
I am so sick of this topic, you can find so much information online about loosing weight, how to loose weight, how to do this & that.....But really? None of this information is helpful because guess what it's ONLINE so the couch potato can JUST read and do NOTHING about it..........oh that's me I fall into that category.
Once again the Dr. Pepper is seeping through my veins.....the cookies are in my thighs....the chocolate is in my eyes....Yup I'm a BAD EATER!! I don't even eat 3 meals a day, lucky if I get 2 in. However, if I am trying to be good I will pack my food for work which is typically......
Homemade yogurt parfait with regular oats & berries ( Morning snack )
Tuna fish sandwich on thin whole wheat bread, string cheese and fruit ( lunch)
Cottage cheese with an apple ( Afternoon snack)
Then I come home and finish off the day with nothing good. Lots of grilling going on at our house this summer, most of it unhealthy.....then after loosing my meal plan for the day I give in and always say, oh I will start on Monday......Ha that Monday always comes and always goes.........
Oh what am I going to do with this overweight body of mine? What am I going to do to really get my physical appearance to the degree I AM HAPPY WITH? What am I going to do to stop feeling sorry for myself that I was too lazy ( maybe life just was tearing me down though through all the crap I dealt with in my previous marriage that I didn't have time to work on me ) in my earlier years to change it. I know that as I get older it does get much harder to get it off.......Do I REALLY want to be a size 18-20 the rest of my life in pants and a large in shirts? Come on think about it, DO YOU?
YOU JENNIFER ANN SHEELY IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS & BODY IMAGE!
YOU CAN'T FIND IT IN A BOOK,
CAN'T FIND IT IN PILLS,
CAN'T FIND IT IN FAD DIETS,
CAN'T FIND IT IN BABY PLACENTA,
CAN'T FIND IT ONLINE,
CAN'T FIND IT AT THE GYM ( UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY GO )
CAN'T FIND IT IN YOUR COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOURSELF
CAN'T FIND IT IN SITTING AROUND WATCHING T.V. OR FACEBOOK
CAN'T FIND IT IN ANYONE ELSE
BUT
YOU CAN FIND IT IN YOURSELF, BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS THE POWER TO FIND IT!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN GIVE IT YOUR ALL, AND PUSH FORWARD
ONLY YOU!!!!!!
ONLY YOU ARE THE ONE THAT CAN CHANGE YOU!
Always doubting myself...
Comparing myself to others....
Thinking I should look one way due to the pressures of society.....
Not being content with who I am inside, hence the outside has a lot to do with it....
Never feeling COMPLETE.......
Always saying "oh, there's always tomorrow," when that tomorrow comes and goes....
Thinking being overweight ( fat ) and being ugly go hand in hand.....why is that ?
Never feeling that I have accomplished anything, because I give up or let LIFE get in the way...
Wishing I was someone else....
Wishing I had different genes & jeans.....
Wishing & wanting to feel sexy....
Wishing & wanting to not see something following me from behind when I look in the mirror....
Wishing that the actual person who is loosing the weight, is me.....
Wishing, Wishing, Wishing, Wishing!
Oh how is this possible to have such negative feelings about oneself? Always on the verge of frustration for feeling so helpless....BUT
Am I really that helpless?
No I am not BUT I feel I am and that's what is wrong with this issue! I am helpless to Change !!!!!
I am not one to try pills, occasionally I have bought into the Acai Berry pills that are suppose to work, but seriously I hate taking pills so how in the world am I going to remember taking 2 before breakfast, 2 before lunch & 2 before dinner.....Are you freaking SERIOUS?
Or how about the colon cleanse pills that are the new fad? Yeah, o.k. so that's suppose to make me pooh my fat out, that is so laughable it's funny. Yes, I do know some of those products do work & the ones that do are in the $100.00's of dollar range per month....And I do NOT have that kind of cash laying around to WASTE!!
I have my gym membership and I don't recall going to the gym in over a month, maybe a month and a 1/2.....shows how dedicated I am to that and am throwing an unused amount of $20 bucks away....I must like throwing money out the door....haha
I always wonder how people can get so overweight, I know there are several reasons, but what are they? O.k. so we as women have the famous Baby Fat but that baby is now almost 16 years old, can't use that excuse anymore can I? Haha
We have a thyroid problem, now that one I can't say anything about since I am not enduring that one.
We have the issue where we eat to get the comfort from OTHER ISSUES in our lives and aren't dealing with them with the right therapy.....so FOOD & BAD EATING HABITS BECOME US! BUT WHY? WHY & WHY?
Why as a society and as a woman do we put so much energy into hating our body & the way it looks? I want to run, just take off and run....but I Hate running, but my mind wants to do it. Why am I having this conflict with my mind and body? It does me no good, they are so not on the same page.
When I joined the gym I bought all these new workout clothes, shoes, socks, sport bras, pants, tops.....etc thinking this would help motivate me to get into the gym.....but I was so wrong they have now become great lounging around pants....HA
I am so sick of this topic, you can find so much information online about loosing weight, how to loose weight, how to do this & that.....But really? None of this information is helpful because guess what it's ONLINE so the couch potato can JUST read and do NOTHING about it..........oh that's me I fall into that category.
Once again the Dr. Pepper is seeping through my veins.....the cookies are in my thighs....the chocolate is in my eyes....Yup I'm a BAD EATER!! I don't even eat 3 meals a day, lucky if I get 2 in. However, if I am trying to be good I will pack my food for work which is typically......
Homemade yogurt parfait with regular oats & berries ( Morning snack )
Tuna fish sandwich on thin whole wheat bread, string cheese and fruit ( lunch)
Cottage cheese with an apple ( Afternoon snack)
Then I come home and finish off the day with nothing good. Lots of grilling going on at our house this summer, most of it unhealthy.....then after loosing my meal plan for the day I give in and always say, oh I will start on Monday......Ha that Monday always comes and always goes.........
Oh what am I going to do with this overweight body of mine? What am I going to do to really get my physical appearance to the degree I AM HAPPY WITH? What am I going to do to stop feeling sorry for myself that I was too lazy ( maybe life just was tearing me down though through all the crap I dealt with in my previous marriage that I didn't have time to work on me ) in my earlier years to change it. I know that as I get older it does get much harder to get it off.......Do I REALLY want to be a size 18-20 the rest of my life in pants and a large in shirts? Come on think about it, DO YOU?
YOU JENNIFER ANN SHEELY IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS & BODY IMAGE!
YOU CAN'T FIND IT IN A BOOK,
CAN'T FIND IT IN PILLS,
CAN'T FIND IT IN FAD DIETS,
CAN'T FIND IT IN BABY PLACENTA,
CAN'T FIND IT ONLINE,
CAN'T FIND IT AT THE GYM ( UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY GO )
CAN'T FIND IT IN YOUR COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOURSELF
CAN'T FIND IT IN SITTING AROUND WATCHING T.V. OR FACEBOOK
CAN'T FIND IT IN ANYONE ELSE
BUT
YOU CAN FIND IT IN YOURSELF, BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS THE POWER TO FIND IT!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN GIVE IT YOUR ALL, AND PUSH FORWARD
ONLY YOU!!!!!!
ONLY YOU ARE THE ONE THAT CAN CHANGE YOU!
Monday, July 12, 2010
He wants me to be Happy
“Anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything."
I hold onto anger....
I let it become me,
I wear it on my face, heart, mind & soul
I become emotionally detached when I'm angry
I am destroying everything I have, because of anger.
What am I so angry about?
Angry with the I have CHOSEN to live my life?
Angry with letting my children down when it comes to teaching the gospel?
Angry that I don't think my Husband hears me, or sees my point of view?
Angry that I have no real desire to change, no motivation?
Angry with the things I have endured in my life?
Angry that I don't have all the riches of the world?
Angry that I have let my testimony of the Church fade away?
SO MANY THINGS TO BE ANGRY AT......no wonder it destroys everything.....it's destroying me!
"If we desire to have the proper spirit with us at all times, we must CHOOSE to refrain from being angry!"
This morning I read a talk from President Monson on anger, he talked about how getting angry with someone because they don't act the way we want them to, or they don't things in the timely manner that we would.
Getting angry because of the way we might act out towards a situation, or the fact that anger is one of Satan's greatest tools in dissolving our families and relationships.
I know that I get angry way too quickly, too fast.....
I wonder how to change that at times. I just found this talk interesting enough that it pin points me to the wall. It talks about how a Father, Mother and their young child were in a car where the parents had an arguement, the Father threw a toy at the Mother but it missed and hit their son instead. The ultimate sadness is that this toy and brief anger cause brain damage and blindness to their young child. I couldn't even imagine what it would of been life to have to live with the knowledge that you are the person who is responsible for your OWN child not living a full life.
I know my children have not had the best of a Mother, the way a Mother should be and that is one of my biggest regrets in this life.
I can't go back, only forward.
Today I make a promise to myself to not be angry.
To find happiness in everything I do, from work to being home with my family.
It it a CHOICE to be HAPPY or ANGRY!!
I wonder why at times I have allowed my life to get so far out of control, where do I think I was going to go with the way I have acted, the way I have let things get over taken by the weeds that are choking my very breathe as well as sucking anything I have to offer out.
I wish I knew deep down inside, oh wait I do know deep down inside.....
Why won't I let that part out? Why am I keeping that part of WHAT I do know hidden?
I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father that loves me, that KNOWS me, that would do anything for me.....
BUT
I also have to come unto him, share myself with him, share my desires, my fears, my happiness, my everything with him for him to be able to reach me. I can't be selfish anymore and not give to my Heavenly Father.
"I need my Heavenly Father, to help me every day,
He wants me to be happy, and choose the righteous way.
He wants me to be happy, and choose the righteous way."
Oh how I love Primary songs, always so uplifting and comforting to me.
I do need my Heavenly Father, he does love me, he does want me to be happy!!!
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